luckymagenta 2.0

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) January 6, 2015

The character limit on Twitter,
Prevents limericks — if you're a quitter.
But with one little cheat,
You can quickly defeat
(see line 1)

— Andrew (@Andrew_Taylor) November 8, 2014

There are two types of academics. Those who use the Oxford comma, those who don't and those who should.

— Shit Academics Say (@AcademicsSay) November 15, 2014

Japan's flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

— Lydia Botters (@MrLloydSpandex) January 31, 2013

"Hast du einen Schwachpunkt?"

"Dieferse."

"Deine ewigen Wortwitze werden dir noch leidtun, Achilles."

— Nᴇᴛᴢʟᴇʜʀᴇʀ (@blume_bob) February 20, 2015

Hey, Sean Bean, it's either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can't have it both ways.

— Old Pat_Bren (@Old_Pat_Bren) November 13, 2012

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 23, 2014

Remember that UKIP leaflet I got through my door? Here are the results of what I did… pic.twitter.com/IDnS0vrQmf

— Katie Jones 🇺🇦 (@TraviataJones) April 29, 2014

"The bond's Name. James Name"
Pleased to… what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) December 2, 2014

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) December 25, 2014

My pet rat Shi says my obsession with anagrams is getting out of control

— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) January 31, 2015

Ich kann total gut Mitmenschen umgehen.

— https://bsky.app/profile/handwerk.bsky.social (@der_handwerk) March 30, 2011

big dog: "i drink from the toilet"
little dog: [pokes his head out handbag] "sorry what?"
medium dog: [shuffles tarot cards]

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) February 6, 2015

you took
the last bus home

don't know how
you got it through the door

you're always doing amazing stuff

like that time
you caught a train

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) September 25, 2014

The first rule of Palindromes Anonymous Club is name no-one, man.

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) February 20, 2015

Finally, after much denial, a horse walks into an AA meeting.

— Fuzzy felt eyebrows (@TheRealNickKay) February 25, 2015

"My work here is done" – Yoda showing someone where he works.

— Jake Lambert (@jakelambertcom) March 1, 2015

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put "We Trust In God" on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

— Horny Emeritus (@InternetHippo) March 10, 2015

This could just be the wine talking but I USED TO BEEEE GRAPESSZZZ

— Aparna Nancherla 🇵🇸 (@aparnapkin) March 8, 2015

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015

Why did the chicken cross the road? This poem tells you the answer. pic.twitter.com/jYtdQutkrA

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) April 12, 2015

What happens to a cat defurred?
Does it lay on a heater vent
Like a lion in the sun?
Or does it scratch up the groomer's face-
And then run?

— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) March 28, 2015

There once was a tweeter named Morty
Whose ironic handle was 'Shorty',
Because the amount
Of his character count
Was more than a hundred and

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) October 11, 2012

She decided to teach postcolonial theory instead of seventeenth-century poetry.

Because, well, you know, easier Said than Donne.

— William Germano (@WmGermano) June 22, 2015

Not sure about this new production of Samuel Beckett's 'Endgame'. pic.twitter.com/PuFDdvaayO

— @mrchrisaddison@dizl.de (@mrchrisaddison) May 30, 2015

There once was a man from London,
Who was terrible at doing Limericks,
They didn't rhyme or scan,
But the fifth line was good,
Your mum.

— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) May 30, 2015

I BEFORE E (EXCEPT AFTER SEA)

For relief from the heat,
I swam in the sea.
Dreid myself breifly.
Had freinds for tea.

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) July 3, 2015

Wife: Do you fancy coming home at lunchtime for a quickie.

Me: It's pronounced Quiche.

— Baby Jesus (@JCautomatic) October 14, 2013

I know a man from Dún Laoghaire
Who's feeling a little bit taoghaire
Ireland has said
Yes, go and get wed
Today he's a very proud quaoghaire

— Miche Doherty (@miche) May 23, 2015

Christophers pic.twitter.com/jn8SVuC2h6

— Moose Allain (2024 edition) Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) June 6, 2015

. @brian_bilston
A woman from LlanfairPG
Who opened a new B&B
Just made up a name to bring it some fame.
The rest, as they say, history.

— k (@grandmar11143) July 4, 2015

"Sometimes the power of a homophone can come out of nowhere and hit you like a truck," articulated Laurie.

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) July 18, 2015

I dunno, he’s just one bloke, I reckon we could take him. pic.twitter.com/oXrUZquOL2

— James Henry (@james_blue_cat) July 18, 2015

LIMERAIKU

there was once a young
limerick from Kew who turned
into a haiku

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) July 20, 2015

Here's a new poem called "At the Intersection", which I have written in the form of a venn diagram. pic.twitter.com/3fivkycE4b

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) July 23, 2015

There was a young girl called Joan
who ate a buttered scone
but a man called John
pronounced it "scone"
and her appetite was suddenly goan.

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) May 1, 2015

DAD: You're adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) November 15, 2014

good cop: it's your lucky day.
good cop 2: there's been a scheduling error
good cop: which is terrible news for your friend in the next cell

— Moose Allain (2024 edition) Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) May 2, 2015

Once a young fella from Limerick
Got himself stuck in a limerick
He couldn't get out & STARTED TO SHOUT
AND DID FOR THE REST OF THE LIMERICK

— Harry Myers VO (@PeasOneDay) April 26, 2015

Row says are read
Vile lets are blew
Homophones are grate!
Aisle of view. #RosesAreRedRhymes

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) October 18, 2015

"David, who shall we invite to the wedding?"

"Bono. Ono. Eno."

"I love you, you unstoppable conceptual bastard." pic.twitter.com/U8YlDwvBUT

— Daniel Benneworth-Gray (@gray) October 14, 2015

HAIKU #288413

he would talk about
swimming pools in depth, at length,
or, when rushed, at width

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) October 12, 2015

'They tuck you up, your mum and dad' Larkin gets a brilliant makeover from Adrian Mitchell #NationalPoetryDay pic.twitter.com/FDYhRajMOE

— Billy Bragg (@billybragg) October 8, 2015

[Vulcanology conference]

VULCANOLOGIST: What do you like about volcanoes?

ME: [sheepishly removing Spock ears] Fire. The thick runny fire

— Mat (@MatCro) September 18, 2015

The first line of this poem
Had six words, you see
That one had five
This one, three
This too
Sorry
Not 'too'
I meant two
That had three too

— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) September 16, 2015

What is a word that's formed of 4 letters, but consists of 3, sometimes is written with 9, never with 5, and occasionally is made up of 12.

— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) February 27, 2014

ROBERT FROST'S NETFLIX CHOICE

An action thriller
with Liam Neeson
or a post-apocalyptic
world forsaken?

Decides upon The Road not Taken.

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) August 22, 2015

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) August 10, 2015

Let me slip into something more comfortable.

*slides into a vat of pudding, gestures you to leave*

— Aparna Nancherla 🇵🇸 (@aparnapkin) August 8, 2015